Dear Thaththi
I always felt like this letter/essay would be written after a big professional milestone but today is a random Saturday which I spent catching up on school work that I have been putting off for a couple of days.
I am writing this to tell you about how I felt and how I have grown across the last five years since you passed because I finally feel like you are proud of me and I only understood the depth of your loss in our lives (with the precision it deserves) very recently.
I Didn’t Feel Human
At your funeral, the common criticism about me was about how I haven’t been scoring as well for my exams and I should be doing more for Ammi and Malli. Being in a relationship at this time didn’t help either because people rushed to blame it on that because Lyceum pseudo criminalized ‘love affairs’.
I understand that this might even be coming from a good place and that this is true to a large extent but the timing and the phrasing damaged me in many ways and I think I took a long time to rewire myself.
I felt like a list of achievements. I felt like my purpose was to tick off brown people expectations. I felt like my value as a person depended on how consistently I achieve and what I am doing on a productive end of things. I am generally an ambitious person and I lost the joy I had when I won. I felt relief when I won. Not joy. Just relief.
The big stress was on A Level examinations. It’s apparently a do or die situation and I felt like a lot of people were waiting to see me crack under pressure. It was a disgusting feeling to be around. I felt like my legacy as a head-prefect was going to be determined by a few letters. At least that’s what the word was and I believed it. It’s crazy how I tried to cater to a particular audience that looked over all the impact that I was able to make in a community over something academic. It doesn’t make sense but I was growing up in a space where I was forced to accept things I never believed in.
I think logistically it was important for me to get good grades, do well, and strive. And it was important for me to hit that switch because I was not myself across those years. But at the same time, the way my own goals were presented to me when you left made me hate my life.
There is a very important episode in Season 3 of Sex Education where a therapist asks a character when they grieved their loss. I don’t think I processed your departure till I was done with my responsibilities to the world. Not too many people cared particularly about whether I did either. I felt like everyone’s definition of ascension was achievement and I just never really agreed.
I carried this over to university, along with the chip on my shoulder that popped up ever since I lost my chance to talk about your greatness at the prize giving as the Most Outstanding Student of my grade. Being underappreciated dehumanized me even more. I felt the need to achieve so disproportionately so that no one associates me in the same sentence as anyone else in my community. I always felt like I was the best when it came to those who wore silver and blue. It’s not a feeling that was given. It was a feeling that was earned with a lot of hard work. But this time I felt like I needed to prove it as my life depended on it. I wanted to win but it wasn’t for the joy of competition anymore. I was angry all along because deep down I never recovered from people constantly telling me that I didn’t do enough for you, Ammi and Malli.
It was on this one day when I was interviewing for a Silicon Valley internship that I realized how my childhood was robbed away from me. I was right after my first year and I am competing with people at MIT for a spot at a dream internship. No one from where I came from was even close to saying that but I just didn’t understand how I could even celebrate that because I was so caught up in trying to feel like I did enough.
I felt was forced to be an adult for no reason. Sure, I had to think about finances, scholarships, responsibilities more often due to the situation but I think I should have been allowed to make mistakes. I felt like I had to do the absolute right thing all the time. I felt like I could meet the expectations but I never thought they were fair.
I felt like I was never allowed to just be. I just felt like I will never be loved otherwise. I don’t think it’s any singular person’s fault. It’s just how I ended up feeling due to this entire situation and the collective culture in Sri Lanka.
I Was Resilient
BUT I absolutely hate it when people associate my victories with losing you.
A friend told me recently that he believed that I wouldn’t have been as efficient if you had been around because I wouldn’t feel the same sense of pressure. I think people forget that I am who I am because of your presence in my life, not your absence. I just feel very triggered when I hear things like this because I was always this efficient and I was always trying to compete at the highest level since I was like 5 years old and losing you only made my victories a lot less sweet.
The reason why I don’t talk about you as elaborately as I want to is that I don’t to be defined by my struggles. I am much more than that. And people have a tendency of romanticizing the strength that people get after terrible incidents. Some situations suck. And there is no silver lining to it.
I only have 3 people in this world who celebrate my victories with genuine purity and I lost one of them. You weren’t there to say good luck to me when I went for my OLs or my ALs. You didn’t understand me getting headprefectship. You didn’t see my 5 internships. You didn’t see me working at the World’s Most Global Bank. You didn’t see me get a scholarship to McGill, win hackathons, lead people or build my network. You didn’t see me growing up to be a better man. You didn’t see me show up for my community. You didn’t get to see any of it. I think it’s hard to keep doing this without you so you not being here isn’t necessarily helping me. It only makes me sad. And I think that is the appropriate way to feel about you. You leaving has no silver linings. That’s how great you were and that’s the respect you shall have while you rest.
The point is that I won despite losing you not because I lost. That’s where my resilience lies. I wish you were here.
I Was Lost
I think it’s hard to convey how lost I felt when you left. You lost your ability to communicate at an age where I felt like your presence would have made my life much better. I don’t think people realize how much more accomplished I would be as a person and a professional if you were around. There are certain things that I wanted to talk to you about specifically which we never got to and I felt like I had to travel a long way to learn those things.
But I Figured It Out!
I am basically going into my last year now Thaththi and the last 3 years have been a journey of me figuring out more about who I am and coming to terms with what I want with my life.
I think my biggest achievement has been finding a way to find beauty and genuine peace in life through all the struggles that came along. Heartbreak, manipulation, being in the ICU, getting scholarships withdrawn, being underappreciated and not feeling human was a lot to take in for a small man like myself so finding the light is a big deal. Not coming out bitter is a blessing. I will cherish it.
The only real thing that bothers me is how Ammi isn’t around yet with us. Malli reached Canada a few days back and I have been thinking about you more often. I went into the same loop of thinking whether leaving Ammi and pursuing a life outside home was the right decision to make. I wouldn’t have ever felt that way if you were around because you were planning to be with her around this time. She is the strongest person I know so I am aware that she will figure her way around this but I can’t escape the guilt that comes with stays away from her. I do realise I am digressing so I shall continue this for another day.
I just hope you realise that even when your physical presence wasn’t around, I learned a lot from you. I wouldn’t have processed my emotions without you. I remember this one distinct moment where you cried at Loku Mami’s funeral. Doesn’t sound like a big deal but it meant a lot to me because it dissolved my need to ‘be a man’ and that’s the lesson I came back to when I needed to unlearn certain things. It will stay with me forever because you weren’t afraid to feel and even though we never got the chance to talk about it, understanding my feelings and being self-aware is what helped me get to this point. I also wouldn’t have been as consistent with everything I did without you because you always told me that being #1 is great but doing it consistently is greatness. But lastly, I wouldn’t have had the audacity to dream without you. You made success and kindness seem possible and I wouldn’t be half the average man I am today without you.
I just hope you know that it took me a while to figure things out and get this ship sailing but we made it. We have a few challenges remaining but look at us now. We really truly made it. This was the dream Thaththi.
The reason why I decided to write this today is that I feel at peace. The achievements feel great but I think all along I just wanted to feel peace ever since you left. I don’t feel like I have this dangling requirement hanging over my head. I don’t feel the need to listen to random people who have opinions about my love and care for you. I don’t feel like I need to chase you anymore. I don’t feel insecure about how much I have done for you, Ammi and Malli. I’ll always miss you but I’ll also always celebrate how lucky I am to have you.
I know you are proud. I know you always were without me having to do anything but it took me a while to internalize it. I’ll always love you, Ammi and Malli with every inch of my heart but the rest of the journey is for me. Sure I’ll always dedicate my graduation to Ammi because she is my favourite person and I wouldn’t be in this position without her but I am going to be my own person now. I’m doing this for me.
And I know that’s what you’ll want me to do.
Loku Putha
